Be Weak

I struggled deciding whether to post this blog or not. I've tried to be real, honest and vulnerable as I write these posts, but it's never easy revealing parts of ourselves that we don't particularly like, especially to so many people all at once.

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

It's no secret that I LOVE living in Nepal. I love the people, I love life here. Many people commented about how much we gave up to come here, but the truth is, coming to Nepal was, in some ways, one of the easiest things I've ever done in my life. Sure, leaving family and friends was hard, but I grew up living halfway across the U.S. from the majority of my family, seeing them once a year, or even less, so even that part doesn't feel that odd to me. Plus with email, Skype and Facebook, it's not like we're completely out of contact. And let's face it, I'm a minimalist, so selling our house, cars and belongings was more fun than a trip to Disneyland for me. 

The hardest parts for me have been things like raising support and relying on others for our income. Granted, God has made this much easier for us than for most, through LifeBridge Church, St. John's Lutheran Church and our amazing friends and family, but I've been working since I was 16 years old and was raised to be very self-sufficient and independent, so relying on donations was, and still is, hard for me. And here, Sam has the "main job" and I am the "trailing spouse", which just adds to my feelings of dependency vs. the self-sufficiency I am much more comfortable with.

And that doesn't even to begin to touch on how weird it is that reading my Bible, praying, attending and/ or speaking at women's fellowships, writing blog posts, learning about micro-finance, learning about Nepali culture, spiritual warfare, language learning, building relationships with people and God, etc. are all different parts of my work now. I'm sure many of you reading this are thinking it sounds like heaven, but for someone who is all about spreadsheets, productivity, lists, tasks and accomplishments, it is actually a very difficult mental shift to make. I have had to continuously fight my tendency to become legalistic, doing the things above as "tasks to accomplish" instead of out of a love for God and others.

I struggle with God taking away my identity of being "Wendy, the hard worker, the great student, a dependable and responsible person, etc." and placing me in an environment where I didn't know how or where to pay the electric or water bill (there's no online bill pay here and no mail service, it has to be done in person) and having to communicate with people in very broken Nepali, because even after more than a  year of trying to learn the Nepali language, I still can't "get" some of the most basic things like sentence structure or the various verb tenses. For someone who always enjoyed English classes, reading, spelling and school in general, this has been a huge disappointment for me.

Back in the States I drove for 25+ years... not an automatic, mind you, a stick shift... but here even learning to drive a scooter was too much for me, so now my options are to have Sam drive me places, ride my bicycle, walk or take a bus or taxi. Not the end of the world, but certainly another blow to my already bruised "independent" ego. In Nepal is it very hard for me to do most things outside the house, and I have to rely upon Sam constantly, which is hard for me to even admit, much less put in writing.

And the thing is, from everything I just said, it might sound like I'm miserable and hate it here, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I love it here and can't imagine leaving. I love the people and want so much to be able to communicate with them in their heart language, to be the "hard worker and great student, the reliable and dependable person" that I've always considered myself to be. I mean wouldn't all of that stuff make me a much better witness for Christ? But God has brought me out of my comfort zone of independence and strength to the place where I am. A place of weakness where I have to rely upon God daily. I often have wondered why He has me here... and I wonder if everyone else, God included, sees all my failures and also wonders why He has me here.

I have found myself in this place repeatedly since coming to Nepal, and I have dealt with it in different ways at different times, joking it off, ignoring it, denying it, talking to my pastor back in the States, getting advice from dear friends and expats here, reading "All Is Grace: A Ragamuffin Memoir" by Brennan Manning, trying to power through in "my own strength" by studying the language harder, learning how and where to pay the electric and water bills, getting a washing machine, etc. And some things helped, like talking with others, reading "All Is Grace" and getting that washing machine, but after a few days or weeks the feelings would resurface, so I began searching the Bible, asking God to lead me to a passage that would "speak to me" to tell me what He wanted from me, and fervently praying for God to help me, hoping for some verse or a sign from God that would encourage me. Instead, there was silence.

Then, a few weeks ago, I was reading the book, "Missionary: An Unexpected Journey of Following God's Call to the Other Side of the World" by Christopher Marco. In one part the author shares his doubts and questions about himself, his motives and basically losing faith in himself.

As I read that part, tears fell from my eyes and my chest felt tight. If I was honest with myself, I could relate to what he was saying more than I cared to admit, and it stung. I wanted God to help me, to take away my feelings of failure and show me my areas of strength, but instead it seemed as if God was doing the exact opposite... showing me my failures! Maybe I should have been content with His silence!

I cried without even fully understanding why. Then, Sam asked me what I was thinking and feeling and I just kept saying, "I don't know. I don't know. Going back to America would be easier in some ways, but I don't want to leave Nepal. Am I being selfish wanting to stay? And why do I even want to stay if I'm such a failure here? Or is the stick that I have always measured success with, the proper one, I have to look at this and say no, I need to measure myself against the word of God, not what the western world dictates success by. I know God called us here, but has He changed his mind?" That night I went to sleep feeling heavy and confused.

The next morning I woke up and nothing had changed, so I decided to read some more of the Christopher Marco book. As I began reading the next chapter, the author talked about reading Ephesians 2:1-10 again and again, which says:

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. 

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

As the author read it, he began thinking that maybe God had wanted him to get to the end of his own strength, to see his need for Him and that he is saved by grace, not works. That is when he asked God, if he brings nothing to the table, then why would God save him? And realized God saves us because of how great He is.

The author went on to tell of how he repeated this pattern for months... feeling selfish, insufficient, etc., then going back to Ephesians 2:1-10 to rediscover the truth... over and over again, hundreds of times, as God was slowly teaching him "this walk of dependence."

And again, I related more than I care to admit to what the author was saying, and part of me didn't, and doesn't, like admitting that something so simple and basic to my faith could be such an issue for me, that it is something that I struggle with, "get" and then struggle with again. But part of me sighed with relief... here was a missionary to Asia who I could relate to, someone who had to keep rediscovering this same truth over and over again. And the thing is, as I read his story, I did not see a selfish, insufficient person, but a man who kept turning to God again and again, allowing an amazing God who loves him to use him, and through his weaknesses, I was able to see and feel God's love for me, as well as be encouraged by the fact that another missionary who struggled was eventually able to learn another language! 

So, have I "got" it yet? I'm just beginning to find out for myself what "It" actually means.  Some days I am content and even awestruck by God's incredible love for us... for me. Some days, I catch myself striving to earn His love, and still other days, I strive and don't even realize it until later. Becoming weak is a process that goes against pretty much everything I have grown up learning. When was the last time someone told you, "Be weak" when you were going through something difficult? I can't recall ever hearing that. 

We say, ""Be strong", but why? To make others feel less uncomfortable with our hurt and weakness? To put on a good show to make God look good, that as Christians we have no worries? Think about a time when you were hurting or feeling like a failure, maybe even something you are going through right now. What if someone came up and said to you, "Stop trying to be so strong! Be gentle with yourself, and allow God to be your strength. Cry out to God with your pain, your fears, disappointments, hopes... all of it. Allow God to hold you and comfort you. Let God tell you how much He loves you, and not because you are strong or successful, but simply because He is God and God is love. 

That's quite a different message. At first it sounds funny, but as I've started trying this more and more, I find that it doesn't sound as funny as it once did. It is actually soothing. And as I let God hold me and comfort me, I get to hear his voice.

I'm not sure I'll ever fully "get" it, and that's probably good, because then I would most likely become all proud of myself for being such an awesome student, and start depending on myself instead of God again. This is an amazing walk that God calls us to, to find out what life looks like when you put everything in and under Christ - a lifetime walk with everlasting results.